Tommy Collison

Yesterday, I got a DM from my favourite oldest brother, saying that he’d forgotten his PIN for his phone, and asking me to ring up Meteor (our network provider) to get it back. Now, usually I would have told him to get his other Jeeves to do it, because I was busy trying to get myself together to be down to Klara in UL in time. However, I’d recently found my old iPhone headphones, the ones with the mike on them, so I was aching to try a hands free call.

That’s how you get me to do stuff for ya, give me a cool gadget to test out while I’m at it. I enjoy the gadget so much that I forget I’m indulging your laziness.

Anyway, I plug the headphones in and dial 1905. After getting through the labyrinth that is their automated answering machine, I got through to a real person.

Hi, you’ve reached Meteor, my name is Caroline, can I have your number please?

Sure, it’s 085, xxxyyyy I say, going into the bathroom and reaching for the gel

And your name? comes the bored voice.

Collison, I say confidently, putting some hair gel on my hands and rubbing it around. Patrick Collison

OK Patrick, finally can I have your PIN number? she says, unknowing that I’m currently going through part of my daily hygiene routine.

Ah I say, smiling, even if she can’t see it, as I begin to spike up my hair That’s the problem, I’ve forgotten it. (I almost said ‘well, that’s the problem, my eejit of a brother has gone and forgotten it’ but that would have let on the fact I’m not actually Patrick, wouldn’t it?)

OK that’s fine. What’s your address? she says. Either I make a very good 20 year old entrepreneur, programmer & consumer of waffles, or she just doesn’t care.

I confidently rattle off the address in Tipperary where we lived up until 2005. Lazy P hasn’t bothered to change the address. Then again, he was barely unpacked in Limerick when he buggered off to MIT. Maybe we can forgive him. Maybe.

That all checks out Patrick, finally can I have the address of where you bought your SIM card?

Aha, see, this was my smallest lie, kinda. See, I was there when he bought that SIM sometime back in December. I was actually there, and if I remember right, I even paid for some of it because it was more expensive than he expected. That’d be Limerick I say, content with my hair, washing my hands.

That’s correct Patrick, your PIN is 6112 

You’re great Caroline, I smile, drying my hands. Thanks for that.

I click the mike (it’s also a button) and that kills the call.

In fact, screw media as a career. Screw blogging too. I’m going to be a Patrick impersonator! * switches effortlessly into West Coast accent * I’ve got, like, the accent totally down! Totally!